|on what's up now...
||[Apr. 13th, 2007|12:59 pm]
The more time passes the more I feel like shit. This is life.|
The less I intoxicate myself, the more holes I find. This is optional.
I've been having problems sleeping lately. I got decent sleep last night and I feel alright, but not great. Stress is fucking awful. I need to have a business plan pretty much ready to go by next Wednesday. Oh joy. Add in the fact I've been feeling like shit for awhile now means this, at all, isn't very much fun.
So, here it is. Probably what some people have been wondering and what I've needed to admit for awhile.
I'm not happy.
There. There it is. Right there. In fact, it fucking sucks. The fact I'm choosing to not fight this with substance I guess should show for something but I feel worse off than I have for quite a long, long time. Stress, being tired, being angry, being pissed off and unhappy. This is me. This has been me for awhile but I'm getting worse. There. There it is as well. I'm not the person I was months ago, years ago. Fuck, I'm not the person I was when I ended up in Kentucky. I'm changing for the worse and I don't know what to fucking do about it. Things piss me off now that used to not piss me off or else I'm choosing to accept them and not let shit slide off me like they used to. Actually, I think that's one thing that's going for the better. You know, boundaries of the shit I'll let people pull. I'm trying not to be a controlling prick about things but goddamnit it would be nice if you would put 2 and 2 together sometimes. "I won't be able to afford the gas to come see you tomorrow but look at me! I'm in a white trash bar!" And? Why on Earth would you think I would fucking care? You can't afford to drive out but you can afford bar hopping? Goddamnit. I don't care if you went and bought drinks or whatever, I don't care for the details the fucking point still remains. You've mentioned me making you feel as if I've "settled" for you which is absolutely untrue and I feel bad about it, but then to turn around and see this? It's fucking cool if I'm second best, I've said this before at some point, I'm certain, just tell me. Don't take me for rides and don't treat this like the Berea thing. Yes or no, no in-between. If it's one thing I hate uncertainty in is a relationship.
So, how do I lay things down that piss me off and not start fights and not make me feel like a jerk? Hell if I know, I'm still trying to figure this one out. I'm also struggling to figure out if I am actually asking too much, which could very well be true, or if I'm asking stuff that maybe shouldn't be asked? This, as well, could also be true. I also don't care to hear about the things you do with Tyler and them when you've left me with feeling like you're ignoring me. Seriously. It pisses me off. "Oh, so you know that weekend when Tyler came into town and I couldn't distance myself from things to come out and say hi? Oh, we all did thisthisandthis and we had a fucking blast!""You remember that weekend when I was going to try to come to Dayton after weeks I said I would and then last minute tacked on a whole bunch of shit that you took as excuses? Yeah, that one! Well, I went clubbing and we all did thisthisandthis."
I don't care. Really, I don't.
But, whatever. Every relationship is supposed to have bumps every now and then, it would just be nice if they wouldn't last for weeks. I'm trying to be cool and understanding and I know you've only got a couple more weeks left out there, but damn, it'd be nice to know I fit at least somewhere in the top 10 things you'd like to do over a weekend. It'd also be nice to know that every time Tyler says to jump you don't go running all the fucking way there to jump for him leaving me wondering what the fuck is going on.
Oh, and for the record, no I'm not going to talk about it. I'm leaving it here and that's it. My phone's been off and will remain off for awhile. Have fun your last couple of weeks up there, I don't want to be a bother whatsoever. I've got enough crap right now and I don't want more piled up that I have to deal with. Why? Because I simply won't deal with it. Meaning? I'll start cutting shit out of my life that becomes a bother.
Do I want this to end? Fuck no. Things have been great and again, we've had problems, oh well, they happen. Later on we'll look back and laugh about it I hope. But, again, have your fun, don't worry about me.
Trust me, it's more than that. I got fucking pissed at Jon the other night for a comment he made. It was stupid and I was again asking him about web coding and he snapped hard about me that if I pay for all his training and everything he'd do it. I came real close to snapping back that I'm doing my best to get him a halfway decent fucking job. I didn't. I got real pissed and got off the phone. So, it's a lot of stupid small shit I can't figure out.
Know what I'm doing this weekend? Stock piling on cigarettes, buying a 6 pack and having a blast by myself. Yup. That's the excitement that's me. Sit in my room, watch the time go by and try and figure all this shit out. There's no reason I should feel this way so I'm going to figure it out.
I'll call everyone when I'm out of it and when I'm comfortable again. I'm not aiming for happiness, I'm just not aiming for sadness. I fucking hate my job and hate my fucking boss on top of it as well.
I just want things to work out in the end, that's all I've ever asked for but damn can it be hard sometimes. I need to get this shit behind me for I've still got a lot of practicing and warming up to do before Eddie and I go live with everything. Fuck is it a scary jump out there. I'm looking forward to it I just need to figure out where the excitement and joy went.
I still think this is how I've been all along and slowly re-realizing it yet again. Oh joy.