Log in

No account? Create an account
from here to modernity [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

[Links:| .bohemian.ink. .family. .charles.bukowski. .hero. .alternative.tentacles. ]

(no subject) [Jun. 1st, 2007|12:29 am]

Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck fuck Fuck FUCK fuck fuck fuckfuck.
link1 comment|post comment

on the note of a good friend... [Apr. 20th, 2007|12:57 am]
First off, if I stepped out of line at all tonight, I want you to tell me. Ultimately what I was getting at is that it's easier to fix yourself than it is to fix him. If it felt like I was being a bit direct to you, again, it's only because I had you and what you were telling me to work off of. Please do me the favor and send the email. The sooner you try the sooner you can be comfortable and the more time you have in the end. I'm not trying to push you, again, that was not my intention whatsoever. Seriously, call me whenever. If you want me to, next time, I'll just listen. I know this can't be easy and I know I can't and won't fully understand it so forgive me if you feel I stepped out of line at all. Also, please don't brand me as being wrong. I very well may be given the circumstances but at least consider it.

Seriously, call me whenever. I don't and will not mind.
link1 comment|post comment

on what's up now... [Apr. 13th, 2007|12:59 pm]
The more time passes the more I feel like shit. This is life.
The less I intoxicate myself, the more holes I find. This is optional.

I've been having problems sleeping lately. I got decent sleep last night and I feel alright, but not great. Stress is fucking awful. I need to have a business plan pretty much ready to go by next Wednesday. Oh joy. Add in the fact I've been feeling like shit for awhile now means this, at all, isn't very much fun.

So, here it is. Probably what some people have been wondering and what I've needed to admit for awhile.

I'm not happy.

There. There it is. Right there. In fact, it fucking sucks. The fact I'm choosing to not fight this with substance I guess should show for something but I feel worse off than I have for quite a long, long time. Stress, being tired, being angry, being pissed off and unhappy. This is me. This has been me for awhile but I'm getting worse. There. There it is as well. I'm not the person I was months ago, years ago. Fuck, I'm not the person I was when I ended up in Kentucky. I'm changing for the worse and I don't know what to fucking do about it. Things piss me off now that used to not piss me off or else I'm choosing to accept them and not let shit slide off me like they used to. Actually, I think that's one thing that's going for the better. You know, boundaries of the shit I'll let people pull. I'm trying not to be a controlling prick about things but goddamnit it would be nice if you would put 2 and 2 together sometimes. "I won't be able to afford the gas to come see you tomorrow but look at me! I'm in a white trash bar!" And? Why on Earth would you think I would fucking care? You can't afford to drive out but you can afford bar hopping? Goddamnit. I don't care if you went and bought drinks or whatever, I don't care for the details the fucking point still remains. You've mentioned me making you feel as if I've "settled" for you which is absolutely untrue and I feel bad about it, but then to turn around and see this? It's fucking cool if I'm second best, I've said this before at some point, I'm certain, just tell me. Don't take me for rides and don't treat this like the Berea thing. Yes or no, no in-between. If it's one thing I hate uncertainty in is a relationship.



So, how do I lay things down that piss me off and not start fights and not make me feel like a jerk? Hell if I know, I'm still trying to figure this one out. I'm also struggling to figure out if I am actually asking too much, which could very well be true, or if I'm asking stuff that maybe shouldn't be asked? This, as well, could also be true. I also don't care to hear about the things you do with Tyler and them when you've left me with feeling like you're ignoring me. Seriously. It pisses me off. "Oh, so you know that weekend when Tyler came into town and I couldn't distance myself from things to come out and say hi? Oh, we all did thisthisandthis and we had a fucking blast!""You remember that weekend when I was going to try to come to Dayton after weeks I said I would and then last minute tacked on a whole bunch of shit that you took as excuses? Yeah, that one! Well, I went clubbing and we all did thisthisandthis."

I don't care. Really, I don't.

But, whatever. Every relationship is supposed to have bumps every now and then, it would just be nice if they wouldn't last for weeks. I'm trying to be cool and understanding and I know you've only got a couple more weeks left out there, but damn, it'd be nice to know I fit at least somewhere in the top 10 things you'd like to do over a weekend. It'd also be nice to know that every time Tyler says to jump you don't go running all the fucking way there to jump for him leaving me wondering what the fuck is going on.

Oh, and for the record, no I'm not going to talk about it. I'm leaving it here and that's it. My phone's been off and will remain off for awhile. Have fun your last couple of weeks up there, I don't want to be a bother whatsoever. I've got enough crap right now and I don't want more piled up that I have to deal with. Why? Because I simply won't deal with it. Meaning? I'll start cutting shit out of my life that becomes a bother.

Do I want this to end? Fuck no. Things have been great and again, we've had problems, oh well, they happen. Later on we'll look back and laugh about it I hope. But, again, have your fun, don't worry about me.

Trust me, it's more than that. I got fucking pissed at Jon the other night for a comment he made. It was stupid and I was again asking him about web coding and he snapped hard about me that if I pay for all his training and everything he'd do it. I came real close to snapping back that I'm doing my best to get him a halfway decent fucking job. I didn't. I got real pissed and got off the phone. So, it's a lot of stupid small shit I can't figure out.


Know what I'm doing this weekend? Stock piling on cigarettes, buying a 6 pack and having a blast by myself. Yup. That's the excitement that's me. Sit in my room, watch the time go by and try and figure all this shit out. There's no reason I should feel this way so I'm going to figure it out.

I'll call everyone when I'm out of it and when I'm comfortable again. I'm not aiming for happiness, I'm just not aiming for sadness. I fucking hate my job and hate my fucking boss on top of it as well.

I just want things to work out in the end, that's all I've ever asked for but damn can it be hard sometimes. I need to get this shit behind me for I've still got a lot of practicing and warming up to do before Eddie and I go live with everything. Fuck is it a scary jump out there. I'm looking forward to it I just need to figure out where the excitement and joy went.

I still think this is how I've been all along and slowly re-realizing it yet again. Oh joy.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Apr. 12th, 2007|01:45 pm]
Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.

Goodbye Kurt, goodbye...
link1 comment|post comment

on life and the next step [Mar. 23rd, 2007|12:26 am]
So it seems I've faced two potential realities and have had to choose one. The choice, part of it made weeks ago and the rest made earlier this week, has been interesting.

The choice to stop pursuing music was tough. I basically have the full band ready to go, minus the fact the drummer got set back in moving down, but everyone else is gearing to go. We got to early songwriting stages and it hit me that it's not fully what I feel like dedicating time and energy to at this point in my life. So, the decision to become a better designer has taken priority.

In fact, it's taken so much of a priority that I've discovered how much I hate my job and just want to break out on my own and on my own terms with my own ideas. It appears to be a rather good idea.

First off, Jeff the gas company guy has been talking to me about this. He set me up with the small business center in town and they were happy to see me and are willing to give me any information and help I need. The consultant lady that's helping me is wanting to go live with an internet business and needs help. So, we're at a point of "you build my business, I'll build yours". Then comes in Eddie. Eddie has been wanting something like this since we met. His contacts and ability to run his mouth are damn good as are his video and audio skills. I pitched the offer to Andy for Flash and concept/illustration work and so far so good. Basically, at the moment, a three man LLC. On top of that, Eddie's roommate Steve is apparently incredibly well off and willing to let us use part of his house for an office setup and is pushing us for a strong business plan. Why? He's a bored accountant with money to spare and wants to get involved with something like this and is talking early investing offers.

So, combine that with the zine we're still trying to get live and the advertising offers we've gotten for that, things should start off well. How well? Well, we'll see I suppose but with a bigger initial cash flow than I thought it seems all sorts of options for advertising ourselves can come into play.

It's scary. It's seriously scary. But you know what? I'm scared but I'm not alone. I'm nervous but feel good about it. It's a strange, strange feeling. Am I up for the task? Yes and no. Will I be? You better fucking believe I will be.

So, here's to Nevermind Designs and the future.
link1 comment|post comment

on spicy foods... [Mar. 21st, 2007|12:35 am]
Whoa! Spicy goods and I do NOT get along.

Goodnight everyone.
linkpost comment

on more pics of the lovely one... [Mar. 14th, 2007|06:34 pm]
So I Photoshopped a few more pictures of Medrena today during a slow day at work.

Here goes:

More pics!Collapse )

So there you have it.
link1 comment|post comment

on being bored with Photoshop [Mar. 13th, 2007|06:46 pm]
So I can definitely say my Photoshop skills are getting a bit better thanks to boredom.

Me with some pictures of Medrena (orig/mine):
link3 comments|post comment

on whatever... [Mar. 10th, 2007|02:01 am]
You know, I was going to post.

I've been meaning to post but I've been in kinda of a haze.

Not a bad haze, mind you, but one of those hazes where it's good to take two steps back from reality and have the opportunity to just sit back and smile.

I guess I'm posting now. Neat.

So I saw Rick and Ackon, saw Nick and went and saw 300 with him. If you feel the need to watch a badass shit-kicking movie, I recommend it whole-heartedly. Seriously.

Back in West Palm has treated me well. I don't get it. When I'm here for extended periods it usually doesn't treat me well yet I keep wanting to come back. I saw Dave, too. He was bald, completely bald. I made a joke about both of us losing our hair and he smiled and said mine was probably a better road than his.

Oh dear.

I feel better down here, I don't know. It's hard to explain. Not that I felt bad in Berea at all. I just feel, I don't know, better.

Oh well, I'm off to see Savannah in the morning. It's been a long, long time and it's unfortunate we'll be in a hurry.

Oh well.

Turns out I didn't really have anything to say after all. But, I have decided that, yet again, I'm going to write a fucking book. It's going to be great. It's not going to be some massive mindblowing piece of classic literature as I'd like it to be but how about just writing for writing's sake. It should be good. Yet again I've been sketching out chapters in my head and have yet to write anything down.

See, West Palm does this to me.
linkpost comment

on an OMG!!!1 [Feb. 14th, 2007|10:58 am]

A bald dog!

This is aimed at you, sweetie... PLEASE!?!?
linkpost comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]